"To all you Moms out there..."
Dear Kids,
Don't be alarmed, the world isn't coming to an end. I am simply
taking a bath. It will take about thirty minutes and will involve
soap and water.
Yes, I know how to swim. Even if I didn't, forcing myself to drown
in a half-inch of lukewarm water is more work than I've got energy
for.
(Which reminds me, I'm all for science projects, but the next time
you want to see if Play-Doh floats, use cold water.)
Don't panic if I'm not out right on time. I've heard that people
don't dissolve in water and I'd like to test the theory. While I'm
in the tub, I'd like you to remember a few things. The large slab of
wood between us is called a door. Do not bang to hear my voice. I
promise that even though you can't see me, I *am* on the other side.
I'm not digging an
escape tunnel and running for the border,no matter what I said a
while ago. I didn't mean it. Honest. There will be plenty of time
later to tell me about your day.
"Later" means at a time when I am no longer naked, wet, and
contemplating bubble gum in the blow dryer. I know you have
important things to tell me. Please let one of them be that you have
invented a new way to blow bubbles, not a new way to add gum to your
hair.
Believe it or not, shouting, "TELEPHONE!" through the closed
bathroom door will *not* make the phone stop ringing. Answer it and
take a
message. Since Mind-Reading Mom has the day off, you'll need to
write that message down. Use paper and a pencil. Do not use your
brother and
the laundry marker. We can't send him to school with telephone
number tattoos.
Water makes me wet, not deaf. I can still tell the difference
between the sound of "nothing" and the sound of a child playing the
piano with a basketball. I can also hear you tattling at the top of
your lungs. I'm *choosing* NOT to answer you.
Don't call your dad at work and tell him I am unconscious in the
bathroom. He didn't appreciate it last time. He won't appreciate it
more this time. Trust me. No matter how much I would like it, water
does not make me forgetful. I remember who you are and why you are
grounded.
No, you can't go to Shelby's house to play. No, you can't go to
Shelby's house to use the bathroom. If someone is in our other
bathroom, you will just have to think dry thoughts and wait. Unless
you have four feet and a tail, do not think of going outside
to "water" the lawn. I know the dog does it.The neighbors don't feel
the need to call me when the dog does it.
Unless the house catches on fire, stay inside and keep the doors
locked. Do not go outside and throw rocks at the bathroom window to
get my attention. I know it works in the movies. This is reality,
the place where people don't like to sit in a tub while rocks and
broken glass rain in on them. Do not set the house on fire.
Call me if there is an emergency.
Emergencies ARE: 1. Dad has fallen off the roof. 2. Your brother
and/or sister is bleeding. 3. There's a red fire truck in front of
our house.
Emergencies are NOT: 1. Dad has fallen asleep. 2. Someone on TV is
bleeding. 3. There's a red pickup truck in front of our house.
One other thing: Being forced to use the last roll of toilet paper
for a towel does not make me happy. It makes me sticky with little
white polka dots. In the future, when the tub overflows, use a mop
to clean up the water instead of every towel in the house. For my
sanity's sake, let's pretend it was the tub, Okay? No, I don't want
to hear the real story. Ever. Especially not while I'm standing in
the pool of water you missed.
By the way, all Play-Doh experiments are hereby canceled.
Be good. Entertain yourselves. Yes, you can do both at the same
time. Try coloring, playing a game, or paying that stack of bills
on the coffee table. I'll be out soon. Maybe.
Love,
Your Mom
_________________
Falara 64 Paladin
Medicinnewmn 66 Cleric
Beautyy 52 Druid
Ketten 56 beastlord |
