Revised Rules

[euotis]

I normally wouldn't post dumb shit like this.... but something compels me.

The Male Perspective

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here Are the
rules
from the male side. These are our rules!


1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up,
put
it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us
complaining about you leaving it down.

2. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's
what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

3. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

4. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

5. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect

us to act like soap opera guys.

6. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.

7. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of
it
that way.

8. Crying is blackmail.

9. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints

do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work!
Just
say it!

10. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question...

11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.


12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you angry or sad, we meant the other one.

13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it
yourself.

14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.

15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

16. ALL men see only in 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit.
We have no idea what mauve is.

17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

18. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the
hassle.

19. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer
you don't want to hear.

20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is
fine.
Really.

21. Don't ask us what we're thinking unless you are prepared to
discuss
such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

22. You have enough clothes.

23. You have too many shoes.

24. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
_________________
- Euotis Vr`aat - Wizard
- Noxxious D`Aan - Cleric
- Phie O`Pah - Monk

[Katarin Andolini]

The Secrets of Women's Language - Keywords and their meanings (A must-read for any man).

Fine: This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. Never use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes: This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing: This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows): This means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh: This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh: Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh: This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so inspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do: This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

Thanks a lot: This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

~Kat
hehe

[Katarin Andolini]

edit: double post! sowwy

[euotis]

However noteworthy Kat's body of "women-to-men language translation handbook" seems to be. The simple fact is that men don't refer to the "Instruction Book". Not when they build their kid's bike, nor when they attempt to fix the plumbing under the sink, nor when they install a dog-door.

No way in hell is a man gonna refer to the "How to interpret a freaked out woman's emotional baggage" handbook. No matter how clever the woman thinks she is being with her coy responses, it loses all the effect she hoped it would have on men. Save it for your female friends. It's just not in our programming. When women are expecting men to interpret their feelings, men will just sit there, staring you in the eye, consider how they are gonna scratch that itch on their ass without you noticing, and simply nod at you without hearing anything you say and all of the potential for your catty ways are lost.

Be blunt. Be honest. Beating around the bush gets you nowhere fast and certainly doesn't make us want to dissect your lofty ideas of how your body language and cryptic, terse responses should be interpreted. Frankly, we just don't care to play the silly game.

So... until then. I'll leave the seat up for ya. =)
_________________
- Euotis Vr`aat - Wizard
- Noxxious D`Aan - Cleric
- Phie O`Pah - Monk

[Mildane]

I'm with Euotis on this one
_________________
- Epic stick figure -

[Elnrik Talshiar]

Yep, E-man wins.
_________________

(AKA - Brent)

[LaRue]

This rates a "2 snaps up and a circle"

Go big E!
_________________
Larue

[Katarin Andolini]

Actually, that one was just something I found at a humor site awhile back. ;p To me it even sounds like it was written by a guy...so take that as you will~

Here's manspeak translated! (Just as corny.) Now, this one sounds like a female wrote it. ^^

***

"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"Will you marry me?"
Really means....
"Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...."Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear." Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"We're going to be late."
Really means...."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind." Really means...."I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard." Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...."Are you still talking?"

"It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

"Good idea."
Really means....
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."

"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses." Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal." Really means.... "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing." Really means.... "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
Really means.... "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
Really means.... "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else." Really means.... "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."
Really means.... "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."

"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are." Really means.... "No one will ever see us alive again."

"I do help around the house."
Really means....
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."

"You cook just like my mother used to." Really means....
"She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love." Really means....
"I forgot our anniversary again."

"I don't need to read the instructions." Really means....
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."

~Kat

[Mildane]

I liked that one much better
_________________
- Epic stick figure -

[euotis]

Yep. That one is pretty close to the mark.
_________________
- Euotis Vr`aat - Wizard
- Noxxious D`Aan - Cleric
- Phie O`Pah - Monk

[Rocsalt]

Yes, I was thinking of showing all this to my wife... but I think it may cause me more "Nothing" down the line with raised eyebrows and such :p
_________________

No Peeking
65 Monk

[dadeth]

HA HA, my wife sent those to me a while ago.

The womens language still defies logic, even with definitions
_________________
- Dadeth, 55 Enchanter
"You don't have to be crazy to be an Enchanter, but it helps"
- Dorlof, 38 Cleric
- Ahaz, 31 Monk