An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car
has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the
brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried. The dispatcher said,
"Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer
radios in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the backseat by mistake."
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FAMILY Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One
night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She
yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?" The
94 year old yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts
up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The 92
year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that
forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both
of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were
playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy,
isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third
man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
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Old Age A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing
home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say
"Supersex." She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him, she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment or
two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
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ROMANCE An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was
falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting." Wearily he
reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to
sleep. A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me. " Mildly
irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled
down to sleep. Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my
neck." Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed. "Where
are you going?" she asked. "To get my teeth!"
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DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She
holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess
what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!" An elderly gentleman
in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?" Bessie thinks a minute and says,
"Close enough."
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OLD FRIENDS Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week
to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
other and said, "Now don't get mad at me .... I know we've been friends
for a long time but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and
thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
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DRIVING Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both could
barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to
an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it.
I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red. Again,
they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure
that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure enough, the
light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other
woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three
red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!" Mildred turned to
her and said, "Oh my! Am I driving?"
_________________
Xecutioner Smith(retired) Dread Lord of Walkers
Bonlainy Trueheart(retired) Lord Protector of Walkers |
