Stupid joke of the day, feel free to add your own!

[Crymea]

"I once shot an elephant in my pajamas... How he got into my pajamas, I'll never know!" -Groucho Marx.
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Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."

[Rauri]

Oh, Groucho Marx!

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."
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Rauri Breathnach

Cleric of Brell

[Crymea]

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three, "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems." The others agreed.

Then one said, "Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?"

The other three agreed.

The first then confessed, "I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients."

The second psychiatrist said, "I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want."

The third followed with, "I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me."

The fourth psychiatrist then confessed, "I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret..."

(muted trumpet: wah wah wah wah waaaaaaaaah)
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Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."

[Crymea]

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?

Eleph-I-no!

(use your hukd on fonix!)
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Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."

[Crymea]

"The greatest joke in the world was the fact that we took ourselves seriously."

$.50 to anyone who can tell me who said that first.
_________________
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."

[Wahnador]

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:

1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE!
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE... WHILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES

WELL DONE!

NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF.

[Crymea]

A koala is sitting up a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala! What are you doing?"

The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So, the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they burn a few. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river, but the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says, "Woah... dude... how much water did you drink?!"
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Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."

[kelci]

Thanks Ty, that one was awesome !
_________________
Kelci

[bandin]

Reminds you of the good ol' days Kel?
_________________
Bandin

These Linux guys never cease to amuse. Here is the timeout message from ftp:

421 Timeout - try typing a little faster next time

[Crymea]

The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
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Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."

[Crymea]

Prepare for your IQs to drop rapidly after this one...

Q: What's green and smells like pork?

A: Kermit's finger!
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Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."

[Mildane]

What's green and black and smells like a frog?




A frog.
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- Epic stick figure -

[kelci]

I don't know what is worse, the quality of the last two jokes, or the fact that I laughed when I read them.
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Kelci

[Crymea]

Just remember what the title of the post is...
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Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."

[Crymea]

Dear Abby:

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.

Also, since he lost his job six years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one. All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and bullshit with his buddies while I have to work to pay the bills.

Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me and hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless


Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. Good grief, woman. You don't need him anymore! You're a United States Senator from New York running for President of the United States. Act like one.
_________________
Crymea says, "No tail, no sale."
Tyranimus says, "Oh, shut up you lousy monk."