Only go forward if you are able to laugh yourself silly!!! Make sure a box of kleenex is nearby!!LOL
One of women's dilemmas
Getting rid of unwanted hair--
One woman's story
All methods have tricked me with their promises of easy, painless
removal:the Epilady, the standard razor, the scissors, the Nair, the
EpilStop, and now .
The Wax.
My night began as any other normal weekday night. I came home, fixed dinner
for my family and got everyone settled for the night. I then had the
thought
that would ring painfully in my mind for the next couple hours: maybe I
should use that wax in my medicine cabinet.
I made sure no one would need me and I could head for the bathroom in
peace.
It was one of those cold wax kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just
rub the clear strips in your hand, peel them apart, press it on your leg
(or
wherever).No muss, no fuss.
How hard can this be? I mean, I'm not the girliest of girls but I'm
mechanically inclined so maybe I can figure out how this works. You'd
think.
So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other,
stuck together. I'm supposed to rub it in my hand to warm and soften the
wax. I go one better. I pull out the hair dryer and heat the SOB to ten
thousand degrees. Cold wax, my ass.
(Oh, how that phrase will come back to haunt me.)
I lay the strip across my thigh. I hold the skin around it and pull. OK, so
it wasn't the best feeling in the world, but it wasn't bad. I can do this!
So with my next wax strip, I'll move north.
After checking on my beloved family again, I sneak into the bathroom for
The
Ultimate Hair Fighting Championship. I drop my panties and place one foot
on
the toilet. Using the same procedure, I then apply the wax strip across the
right side on my bikini line, covering the right half of my vagina and
stretching up into the inside of the right ass cheek. (Yeah, it was a long
strip.)
I inhale deeply. I brace myself. RRRIIIIPPP!!!!
I'm blind from the pain! ....... Vision returning. Oh crap. I've managed to
pull off half an inch of the strip. Another deep breath. And RIIIP!
Everything is swirly and tie-dyed. Do I hear crashing drums?
OK, coming back to normal again. I want to see my trophy -- my wax covered
pelt that caused me so much agony. I want to revel in the glory that is my
triumph over body hair. I hold the wax strip like an Olympic gold
medallist.
But why is there no hair on it? Why is the wax mostly gone?
Where could the wax go, if not on the strip?
Slowly, I eased my head down, my foot still perched on the toilet.
I see hair -- the hair that should be on the strip. I touch. I feel. I am
touching wax. I look to the ceiling and silently shout Nooooooo!!
I peel my fingers off the softest, most sensitive part of my body that is
now covered in cold wax and matted hair, and make the next big mistake --
up
until this point, you'll remember, I've had my foot on the toilet.
I know I need to move, to do something. So I put my foot down on the floor.
And then I hear the slamming of the cell door.
Vagina? Sealed shut.
Ass? Sealed shut.
A little voice in my head says, "I hope you don't have to shit anytime
soon.
Your head just might pop off." I penguin walk around the bathroom trying
desperately to figure out what I should do next.
Hot water! Hot water melts wax! I'll run the hottest water I can stand and
get in.
The wax should melt and I can gently wipe it away, right?
Wrong.
I get in the tub -- the water is slightly hotter than is used to torture
prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment -- and I sit.
Now the only thing worse than having your goodies glued together is having
them glued together and then glued to the bottom of a tub. In scalding hot
water.
Which, by the way, does not melt the cold wax.
So now I'm stuck in the tub -- literally!
I call my friend, Liz, because she once dropped out of beauty school so
surely she has some secret knowledge or trick to get wax off skin. It's
never good to start a conversation with "So my ass and vagina are stuck to
the tub."
She wants to know exactly where the wax is on the ass. "Are we talking
cheek
or hole, here?" she asks. She isn't even trying to hide the giggles now.
I give her the run-down of the entire night. She tells me to call the
number
on the side of the box, but to have a good cover story for where the wax
actually is. "You know that if we were working the help line at XX Wax Co.
and somebody called with their entire crack sealed shut we'd just put them
on hold then record the conversation for everyone we know. You're going to
end up on a radio show or the internet if you tell them the truth."
While we go through various solutions, I have resorted to scraping the wax
off with a razor. Boy, nothing feels better to the girlie goodies than
covering them in wax, sticking them to a tub in super hot water and THEN
dry
shaving the sticky wax off!
In the middle of the conversation (which has inexplicably turned to Other
subjects!) I find the lotion provided with the wax to remove the excess. I
rub some in and start screaming "It's working! It's working!" I get hearty
congratulations from Liz and we hang up.
I successfully remove all the wax and notice, to my dismay, that the hair
is
still there. So I shaved the damned stuff off. Hell, I was numb by that
point anyway.
I put the box of wax back in my medicine cabinet. Never know when a
moustache might start to come in.
Tonight, I attempt hair dying.
_________________
Falara 64 Paladin
Medicinnewmn 66 Cleric
Beautyy 52 Druid
Ketten 56 beastlord |
